Columnists » Ask Angelo

Bringing Sex Toys Into The Relationship

by Angelo Pezzote
Wednesday Sep 21, 2005

Dear Angelo,

I want to introduce toys into my long term relationship. I don't know how.

Signed, Sex Toy

Angelo's Response
Dear Sex Toy,

Have no shame. Sex fantasy can spice up the same old sheets and abort cheating. If your partner is secure, then open, honest straight-forward communication is the best route (plan A). It is scary. But just remember to keep things about you and not about him or the relationship. To help, use "I" sentences instead of "you," "we" or "us." For example, "I have been I wanted to try....because I...and I thought you might..."

If he's prone to feeling defensive or inadequate this can be more tricky. Don't play games, lie or omit, but you may have to be more subtle. I would spend a lot more time priming him before you launch into the "I" statements. Frame the toys as a complement to your meal not an egg roll substitution. First focus heavily on how much he means to you and on how much you still find him desirable and enough (plan B).

You may want to start slowly using toy sex talk and see how he reacts. You can "accidently" leave a toy magazine, video or an actual toy somewhere where he might stumble upon it. If he uncovers it, he may ask about it. He may approach you with curiosity or anger. This will allow you to feel him out. If he's more curious go more with plan A, more anger gets more plan B.


Angelo Pezzote is a leading gay therapist in sexuality, gender, and trauma, author, resident edge columnist, and national speaker. He has appeared on Montel, CBS News on LOGO, SIRIUS Satellite Radio, and in The New York Times, The Miami Herald, The Advocate, MSN/,, and other leading print and online media. His book, "Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love" is available at and in bookstores. He works by Skype, phone, and in-person. He is based out of Miami / Ft lauderdale.

Visit for more and friend him on facebook


Add New Comment

Comments on Facebook