Hey, Glenn Beck: Expose Me
Entertainer-turned-patriotic-messiah Glenn Beck has gleefully claimed his first victim in his battle for the soul of America. Due in large part to Beck’s intricate oligarhy (that’s how he spells it) conspiracy theory connecting President Obama with communism, Van Jones has resigned from the position as Special Advisor for Green Jobs.
Since Jones’ resignation, Beck has reportedly tweeted his minions to find dirt on other targets: Cass Sunstein, Mark Lloyd, and Carol Browner.
Problem is, there were plenty of really, really radical people that Glenn overlooked in order to fantasize for days about the Devil in Mr. Jones. After that little dog-and-pony show, we can assume that anyone else accused by Beck is about as wicked as Dora the Explorer.
On the other hand, I am a real threat to American civilization. Here are my qualifications:
1. I’m a man who married a dude.
2. I’m a feminist (enough feminists who are women have assured me that vaginas are not mandatory for admission into the club).
3. I do not believe that every American soldier coming home from war is a hero. Let’s use the word only when appropriate.
4. America does not have the best healthcare system in the world.
How’s them for fightin’ words? It goes without saying that I support gay marriage, gays in the military, and universal access to decent healthcare. But that’s just the warm-up. Here is more, guaranteed to raise money for conservat causes:
5. I love ACORN with all my heart. It represents everything good about democracy.
6. Dick Cheney should have his day in court. For treason.
7. Sports that do not encourage openly gay players to participate should be banned.
8. Colleges and universities should lose accreditation if they forbid LGBT student organizations. Same thing if they include creationism when they teach basic biology.
9. Recycling should be mandatory wherever practical. Gasoline and oil consumption should be reduced by 80% in 10 years. Our power grid should shift to solar, wind and other low carbon dioxide emitting, non-nuclear sources.
10. The doctors who helped Octo-Mom get pregnant with eight more kids should pay child support.
11. Separate lines in airports for First Class and Coach when going through metal detectors must cease immediately.