Exclusive Interview :: Santa Responds to Allegations of Sexual Harassment
Eight little reindeer say they’ve been forced to pull on more than Santa’s sleigh all these years; they’re accusing the "jolly old elf" of sexually harassment. You can hear each of their titillating testimonies when Happy Medium Theatre presents "The Eight: Reindeer Monologues," by Jeff Goode, at the Factory Theatre. For now, Edge has an exclusive interview with Santa Claus responding to the allegations.
EDGE: This has come as a shock to the whole world. In lieu of these claims, how do you feel about your reindeer? Tell me about Dasher, Dancer, Blitzen...
SANTA: Ho, ho ho!
EDGE: Seriously, Santa. Talk to me. I want to know what you think about Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner...
SANTA: Ho, ho, slut, ho...
EDGE: Did you fondle Vixen?
SANTA: She asked for it. Always waving that furry little tail in my face.
EDGE: She was just a fawn when this happened!
SANTA: Someone’s gotta rub the fuzz of those antlers.
EDGE: Blitzen claims you would not "let your reindeer wear pants" while they were in your toyshop.
SANTA: When was the last time you saw a reindeer wearing pants?
EDGE: But she says you didn’t wear pants either.
SANTA: I believe in treating my employees with total equality.
EDGE: What happened with you and Vixen?
SANTA: I was masturbating in the privacy of my own office when Vixen walked in.
EDGE: My God! How inappropriate.
SANTA: Doesn’t bother me as long as she’s willing to give a hand.
EDGE: I mean... you can’t do that sort of thing at work.
SANTA: God, you’re a Democrat, aren’t you. Look, last I heard, thanks to the efforts of the Tea Party, business owners still have rights in this country. I can do what I want on my own property.
EDGE: But employees have rights as well.
SANTA: Bullshit. This is an example of government interfering where it doesn’t belong. You may not let me give kids BB guns, but I can still "shoot your eye out."
EDGE: She said you forced her to watch?
SANTA: That’s a lie.
EDGE: Did you put her in a harness?
SANTA: She’s a reindeer! She always wears a harness and reins.
EDGE: Did you make her perform oral sex?
SANTA: She had a bit in her mouth!
EDGE: ...a bit of what?
SANTA: She could have left at anytime, but she entered the office and shut the door behind her.
EDGE: What did she say?
SANTA: "I better watch out. Santa Claus is coming."
EDGE: She says she did NOT give you a hand.
SANTA: That’s true. But she did give me a finger.
EDGE: This lawsuit could devastate the entire world. If your reindeer refuse to fly on Christmas Eve, it will ruin Christmas! Doesn’t this worry you?
SANTA: Do you have any idea how many chimneys I’ve been down? People are always whining, "You’re too big. You won’t fit." I’m just, like, "Santa’s magic, Baby. He’ll make it happen."
EDGE: You’ve got yourself in a mess now.
SANTA: I’ve been in worse. The rash clears up with antibiotics.
EDGE: And you don’t feel trapped?
SANTA: You wanna see how I go up a chimney?
EDGE: Santa, that’s not your finger you’re laying aside of my nose.
SANTA: Now who’s worried about getting stuck?
EDGE: Santa! Please! Can we just concentrate for a moment? Now tell me, what am I going to see when I go to "The Eight: Reindeer Monologues?" Will Rudolph be there?
SANTA: This is a sore subject for me. Rudolph has been institutionalized.
EDGE: My God! What happened?
SANTA: It was those fucking reindeer. They’ll tell you I fondled him, too, but Dasher became so jealous, after that foggy Christmas Eve when he wasn’t able to lead my sleigh, he turned all the reindeer against poor Rudolph.
Dancer, who wanted to get in Dasher’s pants, told everyone that Rudolph was gay, and when Cupid ask Rudolph out, and Rudolph rejected him, Cupid went crazy and started bitch slapping him.
At least that’s how I remember it. Bourbon makes me forget some things. Then when Hollywood joined the team.
EDGE: Wait -- there’s someone named Hollywood?
SANTA: Yeah, he replaced Prancer... or is Prancer. I don’t know. I can’t keep them all straight. And, man, I don’t care how much your nose glows, that guy wears so much spray-on-tan no one can out-shine him. Rudolph couldn’t handle it. He went crazy.
EDGE: I’m so sorry to hear that.
SANTA: Listen, my toys may be cherished by children everywhere, but you better not fuck with me. People think the worst I’ll do is dole out a lump of coal. What those deer don’t realize is I have some big, scary-ass toys that I use to enact my revenge.
EDGE: Jesus! Well then I guess I just have one more question.
SANTA: All right.
EDGE: Are you free Friday night?