Finally — A Straight Pride Parade Reportedly in the Works

by Kilian Melloy

EDGE Staff Reporter

Wednesday June 5, 2019

Straight people everywhere will finally have a chance to take to the streets and show the world that they are here... they're not queer... and they are proud!

The Straight Pride Parade is slated to take place in Boston this summer, reports Washington Post, and is the work, Buzzfeed notes, of a right-wing group that calls itself "Super Happy Fun America" that has taken on a mission to "celebrate the diverse history, culture, and contributions of the straight community."

The vice president of Super Happy Fun America, Mark Sahady, took to Facebook to share the news of the history-making parade, which — who knows? — might even serve as the launching point for a new era in which straight people gain the unchallenged right to be authentic about who they are in the workplace without fear of being fired, or worry about being targeted for slurs and violence in the streets on the basis of their innate and unchangeable sexuality. With luck, the groundbreaking event might even inspire lawmakers across the land to outlaw quack "therapy" in which hucksters promise to "cure" straights of their heterosexuality — if not with a blanket ban, then at least for those under the age of legal adulthood.

Shahady's Facebook post gave an indication of the overwhelming barriers the group had to overcome in order to come out in public, en masse, in a joyful celebration of straightness.

"We filed a discrimination complaint," the post relates, "and it appears the City of Boston understands they would lose in litigation. The city is now working with us on the parade."

But the news — like so many other aspects of life for the heterosexual community of late — gets better. "We will have the streets closed and be allowed floats and vehicles," the post exclaims.

When will this magical event manifest? The post was able to offer specifics, though as yet they were unconfirmed and subject to change.

"The tentative date is 8/31 but will be finalized in the next few weeks," the post said. And since it's only common sense that straight people love their country just as much as any LGBTQ American does, the post went on to add: "This is our chance to have a patriotic parade in Boston as we celebrate straight pride."

It all sounds like the sort of thing that would have been unimaginable only a generation ago, doesn't it? Sadly, however, media coverage of the exciting development hinted at the disappointing possibility that the parade is less about straights coming out proudly and publicly as who they truly are and more about taking a satiric swipe at LGBTQs — which is to say, it might not be inspired by straight pride at all, but be founded in homophobic contempt.

As the Washington Post reported, Shadahy also commented on Facebook that the parade was intended as a parody of LGBTQ "identity politics." Shahady explained in a post that, "For them [LGBTQs] everything is based upon identity and whether or not one is categorized as a victim or an oppressor."

Um, and?

"If you get victim status then you are entitled to celebrate yourself and expect those with oppressor status to defer to your feelings," added Shahady.

USA Today took a closer look at Super Happy Fun America and uncovered an attempt by the organization to hoist a "straight pride flag" at Boston's City Hall. Permission to do so was not, however, granted, despite there being precedents for such flag-raisings; as EDGE readers know, freedom-loving heterosexual Canadians hoisted just such a flag last year, and in 2015 Russian lawmakers struck a blow for that nation's besieged straights by coming up with a flag for heterosexuals to call their own.

USA Today also reported that Sahady is also part of a right-wing group that calls itself "Resist Marxism."

But even if straight people — whom Sahady reportedly characterizes as an "oppressed majority" — might not as yet have an event sincerely designed to bolster their perpetually-challenged sense of self-worth (and, to some small degree, overcome constant, virulent social, religious, and political stigma), they can at least take comfort in the fact that there have never been ballot initiatives put before voters to determine whether or not they would have the right to legally marry their life partners, nor do they need to worry that it's only a matter of time before a newly conservative-majority Supreme Court might yank that right away from them.

Kilian Melloy serves as EDGE Media Network's Assistant Arts Editor. He also reviews theater for WBUR. His professional memberships include the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association, the Boston Online Film Critics Association, The Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and the Boston Theater Critics Association's Elliot Norton Awards Committee.

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