Milo Cancels Being Gay; Says He's 'Sodomy-Free'

Sunday March 14, 2021
Originally published on March 10, 2021

Milo Yiannopoulos, the right-winged gay icon, announced this week he is an "Ex-Gay" and "sodomy free," reports conservative website Life Site.

The 36-year-old ex-friend of Dorothy said: "Of course, I was never wholly at home in the gay lifestyle. Who is? Who could be... I only leaned heavily into it in public because it drove liberals crazy to see a handsome, charismatic, intelligent gay man riotously celebrating conservative principles."

"I've always thought of myself as a Jack Bauer sort of figure — the guy who does the hideous, inexcusable things no one else can stomach, without which the Republic will fall," he said. "I know that means my name will always be cursed, and I'll always be a scorned outsider, so the temptation is to throw out any consideration of living well or truthfully. But even Jack Bauer has to confront his maker sooner or later."

He says that he will always have a gay itch, but isn't going to scratch it. "I treat it like an addiction. You never stop being an alcoholic." But he threw shade at the Changed Movement, a community of ex-gays. "I guess because they're Californian they don't see how funny their website is, or maybe they're dirty non-doms who think God loves you more the gayer you act...but I was slightly making fun of them with that caption."

He continues: "Someone really ought to tell them to use more heterosexual-looking photos on their website. I can share some tips! My followers have been giving me a crash course in all-American straight guy aesthetics, which apparently include growing a mullet and learning to drive a stick."

Not unexpectedly, he also threw dissed the transgender community. "In this time of gender madness, devoting myself to the male protector of the infant Jesus is an act of faith in God's Holy Patriarch, and a rejection of the Terror of transsexuals," he said. "Trannies are demonic.They are the Galli, the castrated priests of Cybele, the Magna mater, whom Augustine saw dancing in the streets of Carthage dressed like women.

"Don't even get me started on Drag Queen Story Hour. I only have to see those four words to be overwhelmed by the urge to buy rope."

But those worrying that Yiannopoulos is abandoning his husband, who according to Wiki an African-American Muslim named John whom he married in Hawaii in 2017. "Well, the guy I live with has been demoted to housemate, which hasn't been easy for either of us. It helps that I can still just about afford to keep him in Givenchy and a new Porsche every year. Could be worse for him, I guess."