The Road To Fatherhood Part One : A Visit To The Lesbian Lair

The road to fatherhood is like a roller coaster - exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I imagine that all men, regardless of how they get there, share this sentiment. I would like to share our journey through Domestic Private Infant Adoption. Here is part one of the series.

The first step to becoming a dad through the process of adoption is being certified by the state in which you live. The goal of this process is to ascertain if you have the physical, mental, emotional, and financial capacities to parent. (Of course, this is provided that you live in a state that actually allows gays and lesbians to adopt. Sorry, Floridians!) This certification process is called a "home study".

A home study isn't when someone comes into your home and critiques your choice of window treatments or questions your judgment in buying that Pottery Barn bookcase on clearance. It is a probing, in-depth analysis of everything about you - your life story, finances, background checks, motivation to be a parent, child-rearing beliefs, and overall what your relationship is like as a couple. Come to think of it, I bet we all know some biological parents who could have used a pre-approval before procreating!

An older lesbian, who I will refer to as Leesa, did our home study. The entire process was comprised of three in-person meetings. Our first meeting with Leesa was in her office, which smelled like a cross between old wool and a herd of cats. It was the kind of smell that lingers in your nasal passages and taste buds for a few days. That should have been our first clue that we had entered the "lair of the lesbian mafia." Our second clue that this experience was going to be challenging was when we discovered that though it was the year 2007, Leesa had yet to jump on the email bandwagon. She was just an old-fashioned, granola kind of gal with a landline and answering machine. She was very good at cashing checks but not so good at returning phone calls in a timely manner. Maybe dialing that rotary phone consumed her energy expenditure for the day?

Our second meeting with Leesa took place in our home. She took a tour to deem it suitable for raising a child. For good measure, we played the soundtrack from "The Sound of Music" (just kidding, but not the worst idea.) She interviewed us individually and then together. In hindsight, we both enjoyed the introspection that it provided. It's not every day that you get to take a "This is Your Life" view of yourself. Leesa then gave us an assignment to write up a similar synopsis to what we just shared verbally.

For our last meeting we returned to the "lair" to review and accept our home study documents. This time we were armed with Nasonex. Soon we would have the tool we needed to begin our quest. When we reviewed the documents, the reason for our assignment became apparent. We had essentially written the lion's share of what Leesa was being paid to write! (However, she did add parts verifying that we aren't axe murderers and some other pleasantries.) At that point, I should have asked her for an application to work for her agency. (And a cut of what we paid her, for that matter.) But we were relieved to be done with the first step. We could now contract with an agency to start our search. In the meeting, Leesa once again offered us her services in that area. That decision took us a whole 2.7 seconds to consider. Um, no. We would have to loop back with her for the post-adopt approvals but that would be at the other end of our journey. By then, we would be well on our way to being a family.

Next week: Choosing an Agency