I Get Nervous If I Bottom for a Muslim

Election time: it's the season for the height of political absurdity again.

Illustrating several times that never has a hard intellectual thought penetrated her virgin brain, homophobic Tea Party candidate Christine "Man Pants" O'Donnell claims that evolution is absurd. "Why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?" she asked in 1998.

Unable to resist displaying further ignorance in 2010, Glenn Beck said, "I haven't met a half-monkey, half-person yet."

Oh, but you have, Glenn! Further interspecies combos include O'Donnell who, in 2007, reportedly morphed into a cougar-ladybug on the prowl for younger men in Boy Scout uniforms.

Just more proof that, as one of NPR's comedians on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me pointed out: Twenty-five per cent of Americans do not believe that they have evolved, and the other seventy-five per cent agree with them.

But more people are apparently open about their sexual kinks. Sharron Angle said about her campaign against Harry Reid, "...leave me alone for long enough so I can get my sling and go after this guy." Angle has a sling? Does she keep it in her dungeon, next to the rubber sheets and nipple clamps?

Not to be outdone, proudly homophobic Rabbi Yehuda Levin, who initially praised New York professional idiot Carl Paladino for his anti-Gay remarks, was pretty upset with Paladino when he backpedalled after being scolded by a Gay nephew. Said the rabbi, "I almost choked on the kosher salami." First question, Rabbi: whose kosher salami? Second: does "kosher" mean "circumcised"?

Maybe I just heard Sharron and Yehuda wrong. Or maybe they are deeply, deeply conflicted.

Back to NPR. Juan Williams was finally fired, thank God. The reason? His remarks about how he is scared of Muslims: "...when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous."

Williams' firing has been a long time coming. I saw his sell-out to corporate interests unfold plainly when he interviewed George Bush, Jr. in early 2007, just before George completely wrecked the nation. The interview was nothing but softball pitches. It was an embarrassment to both NPR and Williams.

NPR prides itself on being intellectual. Besides being an obvious slam against our Muslim sisters and brothers, Williams' comment is just plain stupid, and for that alone he deserves getting sacked. My message to Juan: the ones who are obviously Muslim are the last ones you have to worry about, ass-hole. Think of the 9/11 bombers, who purposefully dressed as if they were not Muslims.

What a twisted anti-intellectual mess Juan Williams has morphed into. Next thing you know, Williams will say he gets nervous when he's sitting at a bar with people who are obviously Gay.

On a less serious note, I was talking with a young Gay man who said, "I bottom for a dollar."

Shocked, I asked him, "Excuse me?"

Mistaking my shock for enthusiasm, he continued, "Yeah! They were on sale!"

It was then I realized he had said, "I bought 'em for a dollar." Oops.

I also heard hottie Rich Tillman talk about his fabulous brother, Pat Tillman, a pro football player who gave up a multi-million dollar contract to fight for his country after 9/11.

In an interview with Bill Maher, Rich said the following about Pat: "I think he was fucking Jesus."

Rich was praising Pat as Jesus, not describing erotic passion of the Christ. I suspect, however, Pat would rather be known for a tasteless play on words that implied he sodomized the Lord, than the lies his superiors told about him and his death in Afghanistan. They claimed he died fighting Al Qaida as a two-dimensional poster boy for Army recruiters, ignoring (and destroying) evidence that Pat was a gifted intellectual soldier who was killed by trigger-happy fellow Americans.

Pat was a man who read the Book of Mormon and the Qur'an. He was critical of the Iraq invasion. He also supported LGBT rights.

These things are certain: Juan Williams is not Pat Tillman. Juan is not, and never was, fucking Jesus. No doubt Juan would be nervous if, when shopping or having man-sex, he bought 'em for a Muslim, or bottom for a Muslim.

And good for NPR. About time they left Williams free to openly serve his overlords at Fox. As long as he has been at Fox News, no one could ever accuse Juan of looking too Black and making White bigots nervous. He's a perfect fit.

But maybe NPR was grossly unfair. Follow the example of Angle and Levin, Juan! Get your sling and go after the people who fired you before you choke on a kosher salami. Or even worse, a halal one.

For more information on a real American hero instead of a hollow shell of a journalist, check out The Pat Tillman Story showing in theaters, and Boots on the Ground by Dusk, a book by his mother, Mary Tillman.