Dating, Disclosure, and Relationships for HIV Positive Women

When I was asked to write an article on dating, disclosure and relationships, I went through my archives and found several articles published in various magazines and websites including POZ, the Body and TPAN. I thought I would do a little cutting and pasting. But when I read them all I could do was laugh.

They were mostly written in the early '90s and I was so flippant, sarcastic, and cynical in those articles that I realized I really gave no information -- except that you had better have a sense of humor because the pickings are slim, if any. Since then I have been in several relationships, each one improving on the next. My quest for a partner turned out to be a quest to find myself.

I have been positive for 21 years and most likely was infected before 1985, when I became clean and sober. In that time I have been with many men. They say the average number of partners in the lifetime of woman in America is six. Holy shit!

I am not going to get into numbers here but let's just say I could do that in a month or two. What was I looking for - good sex, equal partnership, humor, responsibility, creativity, loving, kind, sober? No, I was looking for validation that I was not damaged goods, regardless of my diagnosis.

I had perfected how to disclose. My theory was I could go on at least one date without telling them or even bringing up the topic of HIV. I started the disclosure process if I was interested enough to have sex or pursue the possibility of a relationship.

Step one, talk about HIV bring up the topic and see where it went. Most people had some experience with it, and unless they said something like, "They should put all those people in a camp," near the end of the night I would tell him I was positive. This would give me an exit if things became uncomfortable and give him time to think about it. Almost all were intrigued enough to call me again.

Step 2, educate about safe sex and myself. I told them they could ask me anything. I thought of myself as an educator and was not offended with, "How long do you have left to live? Are you HIV positive or do you have AIDS?" Can you really have sex?"

In the beginning, I had sex with many men to prove I could. Eventually I realized that I was the only thing that would be getting in the way of me having a real relationship was my thinking, my fear, my beliefs and my isolating. Once I realized this I stopped looking or even being interested. I had things to do so I went about doing them, including writing books, performing and painting. Those actions took me on a journey of healing, acceptance, and building self-esteem.

I kept my disclosure chops up by telling people I meet in work situations, in airplanes, hotel bars, restaurants, wherever, not just because I felt it was important for people to realize that the most unlikely person might be living with this virus but because each time I disclosed it got easier to say and easier to live with.

In 2000, my husband came into my life. By then disclosure was second nature. It helped that I was an activist, writer, and poet who also was public about living with HIV, so he knew before I told him.

Recently my husband and I considered separating after 11 years and I told a friend who immediately said, "Well, expect to be single. All my girlfriends in their fifties are struggling to find someone and they don't have AIDS!"

It would be easy to be offended at that but I know where she was coming from: a place of fear, or as I call it, a lack mentality. I also know that my belief is if I meant to be with someone he will show up. If I am not then I meant to be with myself.

My husband and I decided to stay together. We took a one-year hiatus from our marriage to pursue those dreams we could not achieve together. For me it was living on a remote island and painting and for him it was going back in the military. Our relationship at this point is a partnership. He knows me, loves me unconditionally. He keeps me learning how to listen, share, learn, and be intimate.

Sex is still there; it's just not the most important part of our lives. We talk several times a day and I go to the States once a month to work and we see each other if he is around. I love and adore him.

Being married does not define me; Being HIV positive does not define me. The style and state of my relationship do not define me. My actions are who I am. Am I being helpful, kind, honest and courteous? Taking this time to be alone I revisited some of the issues that have been challenges for me and I relearned it is not about the outside, the weight, the looks, or what I have. It is about the inside, how I conduct my life on a daily basis.

Having lived with HIV for over two decades has been a tough teacher. It has made me fight for my self-esteem, my sexuality, my desirability and my worth. Once I could get over the obstacles HIV presented I was able to soar. I know that when I accepted the fact I was going to have to live with the virus and the entire social stigma that comes with it, I could relax and whatever I did -- from disclosure to living my dreams -- became that much easier.