Let's Talk HIV: My Irrational Fears

I know I have irrational fears -- or maybe they would be called neurotic fears. I cannot weigh myself. I cannot get on a scale and it doesn't matter what size I am. Even when I go to the doctor, I have to get on backwards. I have made peace with my body, I eat well and exercise but I know whatever the number is, it will upset me.

I will not divorce my husband. I love him but we have not lived together for a year, which is very agreeable to me. But as long as I maintain my marriage status, I do not have to feel the pain of separation or the pain of being single and alone; and not just the fear of how bad it will hurt when it is over but also the fear of rejection of potential mates. And not just because I am HIV-positive but because of age.

Did I mention these were irrational? It is the need to control my equilibrium. Some people use medication; I used denial. The other day I received an email from someone who said they had been using denial to cope with their HIV status. That is what I did in the beginning as well. I did not tell anyone, I did not go to support groups; after the initial shock, I just acted as if I was not HIV-positive.

But denial is like a dam made of sand; eventually it gives and instead of a stream of feelings, it is a deluge. When I finally faced my HIV status, I was alone and I had no support because I was too afraid to tell people what I was going through. I wanted to commit suicide. When I did confide in family and friends, some reacted badly and those fears came true. But regardless, I still survived. All the time I fretted just doubled the eventual pain. I had stayed in my head too long, which at that point was a very bad neighborhood, and I had to fight to get out.

Fear is why a lot of people do not get tested. If they do not know, they will not have to have all the feelings that go with it: terror, grief, shame, hurt, sometimes betrayal, disappointment. Fear, always fear.

I am not sure why we do it. We waste so much time, afraid of what is going to happen, procrastinating the inevitable. Maybe it is some weird hard-wired survival gene but it can be destructive and the reality is you cannot control anything. What is, is, and what will be, will be.

I used to have a fear of the IRS. I was afraid of being audited for over 30 years. Then I was audited. Nothing to be afraid of -- something to be angry with, that is for sure. In the end, I owed nothing. It was a three-month waste of time and made me not want to be a part of the United States or to contribute my taxes to pay someone to do that to someone else.

These fear thoughts all started last night, because I could not sleep. The water pump kept going on and off all night long. The switch had gotten stuck in the on position and it just kept clicking, I knew the pump could burn out and I was afraid of that but I was more afraid to go out and climb a ladder to go under the house to turn the switch off. Besides spiders, scorpions, snakes and all other creepy crawlies, I have a fear of the unnatural, vampires and monsters -- and not hot, hunky ones, but horrible creatures.

I was going to write about how self-sufficient I was and how this morning I went under the house to do my own plumbing. Apparently, I am not afraid to experiment with pipes and valves. And now I have no water and will be calling in an expert to remedy the situation. But as I sat down to write this, I was wondering what drove me to go under the house to fix the problem this morning, but made me unable to face turning off a switch last night, and it all came down to fear.

Through my plumbing fiasco, I became aware of how much I can let fear run my life; I am afraid of the marshals coming and taking my place of residence. I am afraid the blood work taken yesterday will reveal I have some other horrible disease besides HIV. I am afraid that the pimple on my thigh will turn in to an abscess. I am afraid I will not make enough money. I am afraid that if I talk about my fears I will manifest them because they say you can do that (They say so in "The Secret"). But if you don't know what you fear, then the fear just works behind your back.

The more I examine this the more I can see that HIV, politics, Wall Street, war, and so many other things are the result of fear. HIV spread to pandemic levels in part because of the fear of other people's lifestyle, fear of sex, fear of talking about sex. Politics runs on our fears, politicians use it to manipulate us through our fears: What will happen if the other guy wins?

Wall Street runs like lemmings, first in one direction, than the other as soon as they think this or that terrible thing will happen to affect their bank accounts. War is all about the fear. Fear of what our enemy might do: We must retaliate before they can win, and fear of not having enough power, money, water, land, etc. Fear is contagious.

I don't know the global answer but I know for me, I am going to wean myself off the fear. Admit it, face it, get over it, and move on. I have been through so much after living with HIV for over two decades. I also learned that facing the fear could be exhilarating and life affirming. It is why some people jump out of planes and others walk across the dance floor to ask someone to dance.

I want the exhilaration, not the anxiety. Life is terminal for everyone; I don't want to waste what time I have left afraid of vampire dolphin turtle sharks that hide in the sea grass when I go swimming. I will let you know how this works out for me.

River Huston is an award winning writer, performer, lecturer, painter, and activist. She speaks on issues related to sexuality, communication, and overcoming challenges. River currently lives in The US Virgin Islands running a non-profit art alliance called sevenminusseven. For more info visit www.riverhuston.com