The Proper Care and Storage of Your Sex Toys

What happens when your sex life is paraded in front of your conservative in-laws? Mistress Z relates this horrifying and hilarious experience.

An American friend of mine once told me a tale that was equal parts hilarious and mortifying. It was his husband's birthday and my friend, a stay-at-home dad, had gone all out with a big family dinner at home, to which his in-laws had been invited. The in-laws are very conservative and, while my friend acknowledges that they would probably have thought that any partner their son chose wasn't good enough for their baby boy, the fact that their son loved and married another man was something they were still struggling with.

Dinner went well and after the main course my friend turned out the lights and brought out a home-baked birthday cake, topped with sparklers. Everyone sang happy birthday and things were good... until Master Three came running out of his dads' bedroom waving a whirling, vibrating, fluorescent dildo, which he promptly shoved in grandma's face, brandishing as though it were a magic wand.

Chaos ensued. Grandma was practically having palpitations, my friend was mortified and promptly snatched the 'wand' away from Master Three, who burst into tears, and my friend's husband collapsed in a fit of giggles, rolling on the floor, laughing uproariously -- a mistake which cost him a night on the couch, birthday-be-damned.

Eventually my friend was able to see the funny side of the situation and told the story to a bunch of us as a humorous anecdote; which led to a conversation about where people kept their sex toys. Most of us kept them in a bedside drawer and a few people kept them in a cardboard box under the bed. We were all very casual about it.

So I decided to ask my buddy Chris, who runs an Australian based adult shop SexToys247.net.au if he had any recommendations.

"We sell Lockable Vibrator Boxes in two sizes," Chris tells me, "medium and large. Both sizes let you key in your own code, and they're a really discreet way to keep your toys both safe and clean."

I confess that the cleanliness aspect of storage hadn't occurred to me.

"Sex toys can be a significant investment," Chris says. "And not only do you want to keep them safe from prying eyes, you also want to keep them safe from dust and debris that could potentially get into any motorised parts and cause malfunctions. The boxes also have different compartments for packing away your lubes and other accessories and for keeping toys separate."

Chris goes on to explain that in the past, phthalates were sometimes used in toys, to increase their flexibility, transparency, durability, and longevity. Nowadays, manufacturers know not to use this substance in sex toys, because phthalates can react to silicone toys and to some of the chemicals in cleaners and personal lubricants. When a toy made with phthalates comes into contact with these chemicals, it can cause it to melt.

About three months ago a customer contacted us and showed us pictures of their toys, which had a purple goo all over them. They had put a cheap toy which they got from elsewhere into their box with their better quality silicone toys from us. The cheap toy had melted when it came into contact with the silicone and sort of bled its purple goo all over everything. Over $500 worth of toys were completely destroyed.

All the toys made by our suppliers nowadays are phthalate free, but it's just something to bear in mind if you're planning to store a range of new and old toys together. Or if you're buying a new cleaner for some older toys."

Is there a cleaning product that SexToys247.net.au recommends to customers?

"Honestly," Chris says, "it really should be as easy as hot soapy water, then wash off. If people want the added security of feeling that they've really sanitized their toys, there are heaps of anti-bacterial sprays and cleaners on the market. Lelo have a foaming toy cleaner, which is the only foam cleaner designed for cleaning toys specifically. But honestly, hot soapy water should do the job."

So there you have it. Keep your sex toys clean with hot soapy water, know what they're made from and keep them apart if appropriate, and invest in a Lockable Vibrator Box-unless you're really keen on the idea of your children publically re-enacting Harry Potter's fight with Voldemort with your sparkly, fluorescent dildos.