Dr. Jenn's Big Three: Connect. Communicate, Listen

Dr. Jenn Mann is a well-known marriage and family therapist, author, speaker and radio host. Her popular call-in advice program, "The Dr. Jenn Show" on The Starz Channel, airs on Sirius XM.

People see Mann in her private practice for a variety of reasons: Relationship issues, parenting advice, eating disorders, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, self-esteem, trauma and sexual abuse. She also works with performers and entertainment professionals who are dealing with creativity and performance issues, as well as consulting with a number of related organizations including The Actors Fund and A Minor Consideration. Dr. Mann also created the "No More Diets" application, which is currently available for iPhone and iPad.

Mann's new VH1 series, "Family Therapy With Dr. Jenn," from Irwin Entertainment, producers of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, sheds light on the complicated and often misunderstood world of famous families. Families grappling with universal issues... Though under the microscope of celebrity.

When did you first realize that you wanted to become a therapist?

In college when I decided to volunteer for the Los Angeles Commission on
Assaults Against Women as a rape and domestic violence counselor.

How did you originally land the gig on VH1's smash hit, "Couples Therapy," which I understand spawned your new "Family Therapy With Dr. Jenn?"

I had been working in television for around fifteen years doing TV therapy and I got a call from producer Damian Sullivan, the creator of the show, and he asked me to come in and audition.

You have dealt with so many celebrities in dysfunctional relationships. Who's has been the most troubling to you?

I would say of all of the celebrities that I have worked with, the most troubling has been Sister Patterson [Michelle Rothschild-Patterson] and [her daughter] Tiffany [Pollard] in the current season. Fortunately, it was a great opportunity to help Tiffany in the relationship.

Can you give us three vital tools to sustain the harmony in a relationship where intimacy is involved?

Connection is number one: It is the single most important aspect of any
relationship, and studies show over and over again a lack of connection is why people stray.

Effective communication is number two: We need to be able to express ourselves openly and honestly, but respectfully to our partners.

Listening is number three: The ability to hear our partner, because most people are terrible listeners.

How did it come to be that you officiated the first transgender wedding?

It was just so wonderful. In season six of "Couples Therapy With Dr. Jenn," Carmen Carrera, who is transgender and transitioned from male to female, came on the show with her husband Adrian. They had been married when they were two men, and she talked in therapy about how she wanted to wear the white dress and that she never really got the wedding she wanted as a woman... And how important it was for her to be married as a woman. I had to make it happen.

God bless my amazing wonderful producers, who pulled a wedding together in three days. To be the first person to officiate a transgender wedding on television was a milestone and quite an honor.

Very often in the LGBT community, many are rejected by their families. What advice can you give them about how to shed guilt and hurt and get on with their lives?

I get this call on my radio show a lot. You have to understand that if family
chooses to reject because of sexual orientation, gender or choice of partner, that's their problem. It's their "hang up." Rejection hurts and feels so personal and so devastating, but you have to realize that this is about them, not about you. In order to survive, what you must do in order to develop into an independent adult, is individually let go of needing the approval of parents or family.

Monogamous relationships are quite rare, especially in the gay community, let alone within the straight community. Why do you think it is so difficult for couples to legitimately commit to a long-term relationship?

That's a great question. It's one that I have never been asked and it is such an important question. There are a few reasons. I think most people, regardless of sexual orientation, regardless of where they come from, see monogamy as the gold standard and impossible to attain. Typically, people feel they cannot achieve it for a couple of reasons. First, they haven't done the work on themselves in therapy. Secondly, they lack the impulse control to stop themselves; and third, sometimes people think that if they have the desire to sleep with someone else, which everyone does, it means that there
is something wrong with the relationship. Or, that they should act on it and need to make an agreement with a partner to be in an open relationship, or to have a "Don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. What makes the difference between monogamous and non-monogamous is the level of commitment.

The main thing seems to be to not act on the impulse to stray.

Yes. To not act on it and to use it as an opportunity to examine where in the relationship we can make improvements, so the temptation isn't so great. There will always be attraction, but it's a matter of how great it is and what it's a reflection of. That is where the work is!

You have dealt with many patients with hard-core substance abuse issues. How can those struggling with addiction find their way out?

I am a big advocate of the 12-Step programs. I believe in starting sobriety,
90 meetings in 90 days and working on yourself in therapy. If you are detoxing, however, depending on the amount of alcohol or drugs, it is very important to work with medical professionals, because it could be lethal. Ultimately, it's a willingness to be uncomfortable enough to become sober.

Why do you think people stay in abusive relationships?

For a number of reasons. I think they often get into them because of self-esteem problems. We tend to pick people that reflect how we feel about ourselves. We allow ourselves to be treated how we feel that we deserve to be treated. It starts off with negative self-esteem, which often stems from childhood trauma, or we grew up in a home where people were mistreated, were abandoned, or there was substance abuse... things like that. Once people get into a relationship, a few things keep them in: One, their attachment to that person. Two, their fear of being alone. And three is called "learned helplessness." This is when the other person talks you into believing that you will never find anyone who loves you like they do. Or, a threat such as "I am going to kill you," which often happens and keeps a person in a destructive relationship.

From your perspective as a therapist who has become a public figure, please describe your ultimate mission?

My mission is to help people. It is the reason that I am here on this planet, and the reason I am a therapist. I believe that we are all given gifts, talents and a purpose, and that is mine. I do therapy to help people in my office, on the radio and on television, to encourage people to get therapy and heal themselves. From these outlets, I receive letters from people saying that you have changed my life and that is my reward and purpose.

"Family Therapy With Dr. Jenn" can be seen on VH1 on Wednesdays. For more information, go to vh1.com/shows/family-therapy-with-dr-jenn

Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Los Angeles. You can find her at facebook.com/DrJennMann, on Twitter @drjennmann or via her website doctorjenn.com