Mansplaining Sexism: A Guide for Gays

Q: HOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

A joke or a fact to you?

Those who see the answer as a joke are viewed as callous chauvinists who need to be launched into deep space. Those who see the answer as a fact are seen as humorless snowflakes who need to be locked away in a safe space.

To me, it is a sad commentary on our times that it can't be both.

For many in the gay community, talk of gender and sex discrimination has morphed from a worthy topic of discussion to a minefield of criticism from other members. Maybe that's because some are lagging behind? After all, trans issues have become hot in the media, a powerful woman received more votes in a presidential election than her straight, white, male rival and legions of women and men across the nation marched in honor of women, wearing pussy caps.

Last Halloween I attended a "lesbian, feminist haunted house" that featured leather-clad, dom grannies and a feminist "hall of shame" featuring Beyonc� and Lena Dunham. (Seriously, did you know we were supposed
to turn our backs on Lena Dunham? And Beyonc�?!) At the end of the femmaze, I was corralled into a lecture with a genuine, imported, Ivy League professor who told us that we are now living in a "post-gender" world.
Really? Gender not only doesn't seem to be a thing of the past, it seems more amplified than ever.

On one side of the spectrum, you have people checking birth certificates for use of a public restroom and on the other, you have a full-bearded man breastfeeding his child from his hairy bosom in the middle of the mall. All the while, both sides are daring you to say anything, so that they can explode with moral indignation and outrage.

Sex and gender has become such a hot-button issue that many are afraid
to touch it, including me... I am a male cisgendered person (which basically means I was born with a male equipment and consider myself a male). That "cisgender" word has gained ground as of late, to differentiate the trans people from those who were born with equipment that matched their brain-or, as one trans friend of mine often says, "RGs" (real girls).

Frankly, I don't like saying "cis," which is too close to "sis" (indicating one of my three sisters) or maybe "cig" (short for cigarette). I also don't like it when one person asks you to refer him or herself as "they," in much the same way I don't like it when people talk about themselves in the third person or use the royal "we." Let's face it, as a white-privileged, cisgender male, I am especially unqualified in experience and enlightenment to talk about gender in today's world.

So, I'll write about it.

Just because I am not a woman, or trans, does not mean I am not touched by the taint of sex and gender discrimination. Everyone in the LGBT community suffers, because of the negative views of women and the feminine... Not just the L's and the T's. That's because the negative views people have about us, our community, and even our own judgments of our selves all come from one source: sexism.

But rather than mansplain the role of sexism in society, I will share the wisdom of author Suzanne Pharr, who published a book in 1997 that cut to the heart with its elegant explanation of negative views of women and the effect on the gay community, captured beautifully in the title: "Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism."

Homophobia has long been thought of as the "fear of homosexuals," but it is really any of the negative sets of beliefs, attitudes and behaviors toward those of the homosexual persuasion. Pharr illustrates that our negative views of women, is at the heart of our negative views of the entire LGBT community. And yes, you read it right; I said "our."

This is one big sexist soup. All of us were raised in this society together and we can't expect that just because we may be of the gay, bi, trans, or even cisgender female variety that we are exempt from the clutches of societal reinforced (and possibly biologically-induced) prejudice. And as members of that society, we all are a little bit sexist.

IN HER GROUNDBREAKING (often overlooked) BOOK, HOMOPHOBIA: A WEAPON OF SEXISM, PHARR MAKES THREE BASIC CLAIMS:

3. Homophobia is the weapon used to subdue that threat.

Heterosexism is the belief that heterosexuality is what is normal, natural and most importantly, assumed, for all human beings. You were born into a world where you were groomed to think poorly of gays, because you associate them with the lessened place of women. Woman are inferior, thus, being gay is inferior. Remember, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

But it doesn't stop there. Point two is that gay people threaten the structure of a heterosexual (heterosexist) society. From an early age, boys and girls are taught to conform to gender norms. When puberty hits, the gender gap widens. Male domination and female submissiveness are praised.

Homosexuality is seen as contradicting what it means to be a "man" or a "woman." Thus, it is threatening to heterosexual norms and relationships and must be stamped out. But how do you do that? With homophobia!

Homophobia becomes the weapon society uses to try to stamp out the homosexuality that threatens to topple the masculine dominance in society. Calling someone a "fag" is a way to keep social order. Family and church rejection, making fun of a lisp, or calling a butch "sir" are all ways to quiet us. Gays go back in the closet and society is once again restored to "normal."

Then we do it to our own with infighting between the gay boys and the trans men and women and the drag queens and the lesbians.

Every LGBT person has experienced this. Any person touched by sexual orientation or gender difference knows the ravages of homophobia. And those ravages are based in a system that is driven by basic sexism. You know this personally when you go on your mobile dating app to see "masc4masc" or "no femmes!" Not to fault people for personal preferences, but we need to be aware that at least some of our preferences may be rooted in a prejudice that was ingrained in us long ago. And it isn't going away.

In these United States, male domination is still revered. And, whether you saw it clearly or not, our recent presidential election highlighted that in an extreme manner. Donald Trump was the very stereotype of a hyper-masculine male. Hillary Clinton, by being ambitious, assertive, and accomplished, violated the expectations of the stereotypical nurturing female. Many people emotionally responded to those factors-trusting him and distrusting her-despite evidence to the contrary on both counts.

Now look where we are.

So, let me call to all my gay and bi brothers, to stop turning our backs on the suffering of women, trans people and our beloved drag queens. The attitudes that are hurting them are hurting us, as well. Gender and sex affects our community, our country and our everyday lives. We are all in this together. So let's put down our dating apps and put on that pussy hat.

The next time you are asked how many feminists it takes to screw in a light bulb, you can answer: "One. I'll be happy to do it."