Baywatch

Some movies about vigilante justice will be nominated for awards this year. "Baywatch" will certainly not. Considering the source material - the campy TV series by Michael Berk that ran for ten seasons in syndication after initially being tossed off the air - this satiric adaptation may not resuscitate the form. But if you dive into this lowball comedy, you know exactly what to expect: Sexy bodies, over-the-top action, and more bawdy humor than you can shake a bag of dicks at.

The TV series, starring David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson (both have cameos in this feature), was famous not for its breathtaking action or brilliant characterization, but for the way it featured scantily clad women running on the beach in slow motion - so slow that audience could study every ripple in the silicon breasts.

According to the special features, Dwayne Johnson crafted his body to be strong but not too bulky; athletic; a killer body that could also save lives. He plays the less hairy Hasselhoff role, Mitch Buchannon, a legendary lifeguard who takes the law into his own hands to save Emerald Bay from an outbreak of a designer drug. "It's like Bath Salts on Meth."

Zac Efron, who wasn't allowed to watch "Baywatch" when it was on television, plays the former Olympic swimmer and current party boy Matt Brody. Now Matt is a vain, selfish, chemically dependent showoff, more famous for his public barfing than his gold medals. Still, his famous face and brilliant body could save the Baywatch team from financial failure. Unfortunately, his ego is even bigger than his biceps, and the force will go nowhere until he learns to be a team player.

Together Mitch and Matt follow a twisted trail of crime that leads them beyond the drugs to blackmail, murder and real estate fraud. The woman behind it all is Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra from TV's "Quantico"), a part that was originally written for a man and, as she points out in the film, had she been a man her crimes would not be so disdained. In fact, we would probably have elected her to office.

Finally, Jon Bass plays rookie lifeguard Ronnie, a dude whose awkward manner and imperfect figure may not impress the beach rats, but he catches the eye of C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach) - this was the role originated by Pamela Anderson, and she moves in slower motion than anyone else on the team.

C.J. is always available to lend a hand, whether performing mouth to mouth or simply helping Ronnie free his private parts from a chaise lounge when they accidentally get stuck.

As Efron reports in the special features, "This movie has a lot of dick jokes." And he most definitely plays them up most notably in a scene where he fondles Oscar Nunez ("The Office") after his councilman character has been murdered and is in the morgue.

This extended cut Blu-ray has more muscles, more action and more boobs than the original (about 6 minutes more), and includes a load of special features that focus on the actors, the stunts and training and the "Baywatch" legacy, not to mention deleted and extended scenes.

"Baywatch"
Blu-ray Combo Pack
$29.98
www.thebaywatchmovie.com/