You Got to Have 'Any Friend'? Not!

The new Arctic Playhouse comedy "Any Friend of Percy D' Angelino is A Friend of Mine" has an interesting plot: What would happen if an aspiring young actor met the mobster he was going to portray in a film?

There are many possibilities here, but playwright Jason Milligan squanders them with ludicrous plot turns and unfunny jokes.

Tony Francisco (Mike Petrarca) shows up at Frankie's Long Island estate, claiming to be a friend of Percy D'Angelino, a convicted felon doing hard time. It turns out Percy used to work for Frankie and Tony believes he can ingratiate himself with the former mobster by boasting about his hold-up of a convenience store.

Meanwhile, Frankie's inquisitive wife Sharon (Mindy Britto) swears she has seen Tony before. That's because Tony is not a criminal at all, but one of the stars on Sharon's favorite daytime soap opera!

Frankie is horrified to learn a motion picture is being made about his life, with Tony playing him.

Frankie hates Hollywood, and believes the project will be a disaster. Hot-tempered and extremely paranoid, he has secluded himself behind iron gates and asks Sharon if the house has been swept for listening devices.

Tony is desperate to become a movie star, and asks Frankie to help him with his performance.

Director Fred Davison mishandles the material. Scenes end too abruptly, just when something truly interesting occurs, and the performances range from adequate to abysmal.

As Frankie, Mark Lima wildly overacts, shouting most of his dialogue. Frankie is simply a boorish lout, and his abrasiveness gets old very quickly. Why anyone would want to spend time with him is a mystery.

Even more problematic is the lack of chemistry between Lima and Britto. They are simply unconvincing as a married couple. There's no love or affection between them. As a result, their scenes fall completely flat.

Petrarca is handsome and likable, but is not helped by the horrible writing. In one scene, Tony performs a Shakespearean monologue while handcuffed to a radiator.

Frankie jokes about eating canned dog food, and the only drink Sharon knows how to make are mint juleps. These are the jokes. Are you laughing yet?

The characters' actions often don't make sense. Why didn't Tony simply tell Frankie the truth about his intentions in the first place? Why bring up Percy D'Angelino up at all?

And are we supposed to believe the producers of the movie didn't try to contact Frankie first to get his approval? Why Frankie would allow a complete stranger into his house even though he believes someone out there wants to kill him?

And what kind of agent would allow Tony to risk his life by going to visit a dangerous mobster?

Of course, these nagging questions wouldn't matter so much if the play was funny. It is not.

Arctic Playhouse does excel with their set designs, and this time is no exception. Frankie's dining room looks authentic and cozy. I also enjoyed looking at Nancy Rodrigues Spirito's snazzy costumes. Petrarca looks particularly dapper in a suit.

"Any Friend of Percy D'Angelino is A Friend of Mine" runs through February 16. Arctic Playhouse. 117 Washington Street, West Warwick, RI. For tickets, call 401-573-3443 or visit thearcticplayhouse.com.