Opinion: Queering Oscar's 10 Best Picture Nominees

The Oscar nominations have been announced and, once again, the lack of queer representation is appalling. Not even peripheral quasi-bisexual Cate Blanchett could find a slot (if you recall she once copped to liaisons with women but then quickly walked it back, probably because some handler had a stroke.)

We do have Kristen Stewart and Ariana DeBose carrying the LGBTQ+ mantle. And there's Jane Campion's homoerotic thriller, "The Power of the Dog," poised to possibly reap a host of little gold men on Oscar night. But when will we get our full-on Queer Best Picture?

Everyone else seemed to be fixated on "Spiderman: No Way Home" getting shut out. Ergo, the Oscars are out of touch with audiences, blah, blah – which is such bullshit. The Oscars have always been an exclusive group of insiders who vote the way they want to vote. Sure, decades ago that included blockbusters, but what these bloggers don't seem to get is that today's megahits (Marvel and superhero films) are a far cry from moneymakers like "The Godfather," "The Sting," "The Towering Inferno" (yes, I would argue to the death that that film is well-made), and "Jaws." These blogs are clickbait fodder written because pet movies were left off this year's list.�

But I digress...

My point is that very few journos give a poison pen about LGBTQ representation at the Oscars. And it's maddening.

I decided to not wallow in my "Crash"-over-"Brokeback" and "Carol"-wasn't-even-nominated grudges (I'm Sicilian, okay?) and channel my frustrations into wondering how a queer rethink of each of the 10 nominated films might look. Let's imagine a world where the straights had to be happy with scraps, and we queer folk were rewarded with 10 feature film nominations that were relatable to our lives – or, at the very least, were given a campy spin.

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by certain derogatory words or are devoid humor, please do not continue reading. This post is intended as satire.

'East Side Story'

Instead of lacing his characters with gay subtext, out screenwriter Tony Kushner ("Angels in America") grows some balls and truly reworks this old and tired saga. In this "Romeo and Juliet" update, it is 2024 on the eve of Trump's reelection.

A young gay Democrat from the East Village and a young gay Republican from the Upper East Side fall in love, but their friends and relations try to keep them apart while the city is engulfed in a civil war. Ollie Alexander is Left. Ezra Miller is Right. Mike Faist and David Alvarez are leaders of the Reds and the Blues. Rita Moreno is Officer Krupke, because she must appear in every incarnation, but she is not allowed to sing "Somewhere" ever again. Ansel Elgort has a cameo as a Catholic priest.

'Belfaster...faster'

We don't want to mess too much with Kenneth Branagh's heartwarming autobiographical story about a young boy's lost innocence. And Judi Dench is already there to make the gays and lesbians happy, but we've added a few scenes showing exactly why Pa (hunky Jamie Dornan) spends so much time away from Ma in London – suffice to say it's not for work, and the film is now rated a hard 'R.' Russell Tovey plays La, Pa's "friend." In a key scene, Pa sings "Brown Eyed Boy" to La in a secret London gay club.

'Licorice Mystic Sapphic Pizza'

Paul Thomas Anderson is a brilliant director and a good writer, but his gay characters suck! Do you recall the mess of a caricature Philip Seymour Hoffman was forced to play in "Boogie Nights?" Let's rework this one so Alana Haim, who really didn't seem interested in any guy, let alone Cooper Hoffman, is instead pursued by Julia Roberts. This will give the Twitter mob something new to moan about (that age difference!) but give viewers a more intense and fascinating queer love story. Also, expand Bradley Cooper's Jon Peter's role, and make the gay men gleeful by casting Barbra Streisand as Barbra Streisand. The waterbed scene alone would be worth the price of admission.

'Nightmare Sally'

And speaking of Bradley Cooper, Guillermo del Toro's "Nightmare Alley" might be campy, but that's not enough, so let's keep Cooper's naked bod. Actually, let's add more gratuitous Coop skin, excise most of that pesky 45-minute carnival opening, and shift the main focus to the great Noir Queen Cate Blanchett. Here she reunites, in the biblical "Carol" sense, of course, with Rooney Mara as they con all the elite male scum in the world – destroying them – and having a gay time doing it. Enlarge Toni Collette's character so she runs the circus, making the men subservient. Meanwhile, Cooper goes from being Collette's geek to Willem Dafoe's personal geek slave, still naked.

'HomoCODAsexual'

Am I really going to tamper with a sweet story about a deaf family and their hearing daughter, especially when there was already a quasi-gay teacher character? Fuck right, I am. If you look close enough it's already there; writer-director Sian Heder was just too straight to see it. Hottie Daniel Durant, Emilia Jones' brother in "CODA," had a definite gay vibe, so let's give his role just as much heft – have him come between Emilia and her yum-beau Ferdia Walsh-Peelo (the sibs are already rivals), and presto – a real bisexual love triangle where Ferdia doesn't know who he loves most. This will give Marlee Matlin some great scenes where she tries to navigate whom to hit and how hard.

The Power of the Queer Lad'

In Jane Campion's film, Kodi Smit-McPhee's Peter is ridiculed for being too feminine, but he triumphs in the end by showing that he's much stronger, smarter, and shrewder than Benedict Cumberbatch's Phil. Now, Campion's film is perfection, but it's subtle in the gay approach, so let's take it one step towards reaching a level that is beyond perfection. Here we would see Peter and Phil consummating that relationship by allowing the last scene to play out with Peter leading Phil in a kind of master/slave sexual dance, manipulating Phil to do whatever he wants to him (and it's a lot), culminating in Peter bending Phil over Bronco Henry's saddle. Afterwards, they share a cigarette and Peter leaves, while Phil lays in the hay bewildered, ass exposed, completely overtaken.

'Don't Look Straight'

The last time Leonardo DiCaprio played gay he was 20, in Agnieszka Holland's "Total Eclipse." (A film difficult to even stream today.) Isn't it time that changed? He's still hot, so let's do a little reworking, especially since so many Twitterbugs had issues with "Don't Look Up." Keep the basic plot, but Leo has an affair with Tyler Perry instead of Cate Blanchett. And while we're at it, retool the plot so Jennifer Lawrence is seduced by Blanchett! Something for everyone – except straights. And if we must have Timothée Chalamet, then he should also hook up with Leo. We know how believably he can play gay. Meryl Streep and Ariana Grande switch roles. Oh, and a smaller "warning" comet hits Mark Rylance before he gets to overact... so, basically, in his first scene.

'Direct My Play'

One of the most critically acclaimed films of the year, Ryûsuke Hamaguchi's "Drive My Car" bored some to smithereens with its unending shots of, well, driving. We'll be trimming it down to a swift 90 minutes – excising the road trips entirely – focusing on "Uncle Vanya," and exploring the sexual tension between protagonist Hidetoshi Nishijima and Masaki Okada, the hot young actor who slept with his late wife. There's a lot mine there, and Nishijima had much more chemistry with Okada than with the petulant driver chick. This time the theme of rebirth will be funneled through a May/September same-sex romance. There have been very few queer Japanese films. That changes now.

'Bi-King Richard'

"King Richard" is a biographical film about a straight family with two incredibly famous African-American tennis champion daughters, Venus and Serena Williams, so there is no way to gay that up. It would be heresy, right? Except that the film's star, Will Smith, long ago accepted advice from Denzel Washington, when he was making "Six Degrees of Separation," to refuse to kiss another guy onscreen, as it would tarnish his image and be damaging to his career. Now, I get the climate was different in 1993 in terms of acceptance, but I hold a grudge (Sicilian, remember?) so... how's about we improve the bland film by reducing Smith's role (he overacts, anyway) and allow the terrific female actors to shine brighter (Aunjanue Ellis, Saniyya Sidney, Demi Singleton). Oh, and Papa Williams is now doing the nasty with coach Jon Bernthal. And they have at least seven make out scenes! If Smith refuses, we have Jeremy Pope and a great makeup artist on speed-dial.

'Dune/They/Them'

Filmmaker extraordinaire Denis Villeneuve has such a great track record with LGBTQ content (pause for long bouts of laughter). And the only gay character in "Dune" is Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, a creepy, incestuous pedophile (the nature of which has been toned down for this film version). So, let's commit the cardinal sin of taking Frank Herbert's cherished sci-fi novel and altering it completely. In our version, the hero and most of the cast are trans. It would be truly groundbreaking and infinitely more interesting than what is currently onscreen (keep Zendaya, but only if she admits to being queer-curious). Cast all the best trans actors working today, beginning with Hunter Schafer in the lead and Mj, Indya, Laverne, and Elliot in support. Timothée Chalamet fans, worry not, he remains in full drag in the Charlotte Rampling role. Oh, and the Baron is a straight, creepy, incestuous pedophile now. Give that one to Kevin Spacey, for a little irony... and a little authenticity.