Stephan Ferris (aka Blue Bailey) Talks Adult Male Career and His Path to Chemsex Recovery

In his memoir "Blue Movie" (a runaway best seller from Unbound Edition Press), former Treasure Island Media queer adult film star Blue Bailey – writing under his real name, Stephan Ferris – recounts his life and career in 77 "scenes." The book's structure is appropriate for someone who made such a mark in gay adult entertainment, but the book's filmic sensibilities don't end there: Ferris frankly describes his adventures as a "horror movie" – one that still shocks and, yes, horrifies, but also elicits wry, appreciative laughter, thanks to Ferris' full-steam-ahead writing style and fearlessly funny sense of humor.

Ferris' memoir details how he reveled in the thrill of baring all for the camera and for the viewers the lens represented. Though he didn't enjoy every sexual act (he writes that he didn't enjoy the scenes the company wanted that portrayed him as "the best cocksucker in San Francisco") Ferris explains that he approached those scenes as a way to get to where he really wanted to be: A thoroughly-in-charge bottom taking his proper place beneath submissive tops.

Ferris is HIV-positive, and neither hedges nor apologizes for it. Rather, he writes about his move to San Francisco to pursue career opportunities, sex, and community. He declares, "I find my POZ brothers and daddies. They teach me what I need to know, how to care for myself, how to live." Writing about the notorious video "Viral Loads," in which he's topped by 21 men before having the contents of a jar filled with "more than 200 HIV-positive loads" poured into his body, Ferris expresses only one regret: The erroneous rumor that he became positive due to that scene. "Viral Loads," Ferris writes, is "one of the most powerfully political pieces of smut art ever made." Despite the backlash and controversy the film unleashed, Ferris declares: "I am proud."

But not every aspect of his life and career unfolded with so much confidence and control. Ferris became a years-long victim of chemsex, the practice of mixing drugs (usually crystal meth) and sexual encounters. Repeated cycles of use – with the attendant crazy highs, devastating lows, relationship turmoil – and attempts at getting clean followed. In one unforgettable episode, a night of drug-fueled sex in a Nazi torture den led to Ferris being taken into police custody under suspicion of murder. Somehow, throughout all this, Ferris finished college, completed law school, and passed the California bar exam – one the toughest – and launched his career as an attorney. Along with that, he's a voice for sexual freedom and personal agency. One gets the sense he's been an activist all along.

EDGE chatted with Stephan Ferris, a.k.a. Blue Bailey, about addiction, activism, advocacy, and the sharp sense of humor he brings to his memoir.

EDGE: Your memoir is stunningly frank in discussing issues of sexuality, mental health, and addiction. Was writing it part of your activism?

Stephan Ferris: I guess it is, but that wasn't my original intention. My original intention was using the writing process as a form of therapy to get everything out, and to examine moments in my life that moved too quickly to realize what was going on. I had this fear, after I submitted the final manuscript, like, "Who wants to read the story about this junkie, and why is this relevant?" Over the past six months, I feel like there's been so many deaths in our community related to substance abuse, and particularly fentanyl. And I think this is a great moment to have a conversation about harm reduction and recovery strategies that exist in the center, that aren't necessarily total abstinence versus not abstinent. So, I think sharing my story and my different recovery paths is kind of like a form of activism, and puts visibility on that.

EDGE: You write about sex as a kind of assertion of agency and as a political act. Do you feel that this message is also part of your activism?

Stephan Ferris: Yeah, absolutely. I think there's definitely a difference between being a homosexual and being gay – or, my favorite word, a faggot. I think "homosexual" is very clinical. It's the act of having sex with another man, and just because you have sex with other men, that isn't inherently political. I think when you're open about it, when you're visible in the community, when you're unapologetic about it, I think that's when your sexuality becomes political, and the more people that are open about sexuality, the more that it normalizes it. Like, we didn't have fan sites 10 years ago, and now it seems like a lot of people have a sexy Twitter or sexy adult content out there. I think it's changing how people respond to sex – kind of in the same way that 20 years ago, you couldn't get a professional job if you had visible tattoos, and now so many people have tattoos, it's like, who the fuck cares if you have one. And I'm hoping something similar happens with sex work – like, so what [if] you're a doctor or a therapist or an attorney that has like an OnlyFans or naked pictures online. The more that we normalize that, the more it won't be a big deal.

EDGE: And speaking of that, if people want to look you up online now, is OnlyFans something that you're doing?

Stephan Ferris: I have one. I wouldn't recommend going to that, because I haven't posted there in a while. But I can be found at @BlueBaileySF on Instagram and Twitter.

EDGE: There are documentaries now about chemsex. It's getting more attention, and your book certainly contributes to that. Have you been hearing from people that they are more aware about this subject?

Stephan Ferris: Yeah, I've had people reach out to me on social media that have connected with my story. My own personal experience in recovery is that a lot of people and a lot of programs just focus on, "So what do you do now?" And there really isn't any emphasis on, "Why is chemsex attractive?" Like, why do we enjoy it? Why are we constantly drawn back to chemsex despite [the] negative consequences?

EDGE: You write about the experience so vividly. Was writing those passages triggering?

Stephan Ferris: For the longest time I had a lot of shame about having those fantasies and being attracted to it. For me, chemsex is a fetish in and of itself – the act of doing it, watching it, the performance of it is a turn on for me. Working with a therapist, I realized that just having those thoughts and those desires isn't inherently wrong. Writing about it helped me to put myself in the moment and think through why some of those situations are attractive and deconstruct that for myself.

EDGE: You write in your book about being a child who was bullied, outed, and shamed. I wonder if those early experiences tie into your later experiences with drugs and addiction.

Stephan Ferris: I think if anything, my early experiences in childhood frame how I've approached my openness about things. When I'm the first person that's open about my experiences and transparent about them, it takes the power from other people talking about it and creating their own narrative. When I talk about it, I'm able to share my perspective and set the tone for what the narrative is allowing.

EDGE: You're very passionate about the things you talk about in the book, but at the same time your writing has so much humor in it.

Stephan Ferris: Humor is definitely a coping mechanism for me. I have a really dry, sarcastic sense of humor, and I think it's a way of making light of my own situation and making light of the world. We need to find ways to laugh about things and commonality with each other, and sometimes humor is a way to process trauma.

Stephan Ferris' memoir "Blue Movie" is available from Unbound Edition Press.