Big Love Jealousy

"So, you are going to be okay? I really hate to leave you like this," Spooz said.

"It is only a cold, I will be fine. Besides, my cable is fixed and I can watch reruns of Six Feet Under and The Sopranos on demand. Thank you for your concern, I am just glad I didn't start feeling bad till your last day here. I don't want you and Miss Ma'am to get sick. Kind of a sucky way to end your weekend getaway." I said.

"Don't worry - we have plenty of Cold-Ez in the car and we will be back to visit again next month. We had a really good time though! Love the new brunch place you found and I can't believe the stuff I found on sale at the mall! You feel better, okay? I will call you when we get home." And with that, a wave (a kiss and hug might have given her more contact with my virus) and an "I love you," Spooz and her Butch, Miss Ma'am, were gone.

And I was couch bound, or more accurately, I was bound to the couch. I had soup, juice, an array of pills, my pillow, blanket, and the remote. The only problem was that I hate reruns. If I have already seen something I just don't enjoy watching it again. So I skipped Feet Under and The Sopranos on demand and went for the movies. But, as luck would have it, I had seen all of the ones that looked remotely interesting to me. So before going back to the drama of daytime TV (that was even less interesting to me than reruns), I decided to investigate one of the HBO shows I don't watch. I perused the menu and though I was sure I would enjoy them once I started watching them, nothing really caught my eye. I had seen Entourage once when it first came out and I wasn't impressed, though all my friends LOVE it. Carniv?le pissed me off half way through season two so I vowed never to watch it again. Curb Your Enthusiasm, Flight of the Concord, and John from Cincinnati all just didn't pique my interest.

Then I saw it - Big Love. I knew absolutely nothing about it so I read the synopsis. "Big Love centers around a polygamist Mormon and his relationship with the three wives, children, and a home life hidden in a world that doesn't accept his lifestyle" It wasn't the drama that intrigued me but how they addressed the religious aspect of it. I am fascinated by religion. So I decided to watch.

Two bowls of soup and four episodes later I was enjoying it, but not completely in Big Love with it! But I was sick, there was nothing else to do, and I couldn't go back to work for a couple of days. So over the next few days I watched, napped, sipped soup, and hacked. A lovely way to spend your sick time.

By the end of season one I was hooked on the show and I was less congested. I was completely caught up in the drama of it all. I watched the extras, a few three minute shorts giving tidbits of their lives we had never seen but only heard about. I watched the two documentaries about polygamy that HBO made to go along with the show featuring real life polygamists. A few months later, when season two kicked off, I was on the couch for the premier!

Season two proved to be even more interesting than season one! It was like the spirit of The Sopranos had, upon their departure from Sunday nights, possessed a piece of Big Love. In addition to the drama of dealing with three wives, kids, family still living on a compound, and hiding his lifestyle from the world, Bill now had another enemy. No longer did he just have to worry about Roman, the prophet and shrewd business man who was at constant odds with Bill, now he had a mafia style rebel leader from an exile compound in Mexico who rained terror on those who stood in his path by branding them like cattle and kidnapping in broad daylight. Hollis and his "brother" Selma (by brother I am guessing either cross dressing sister or intersexed???), the Greens. A force to be reckoned with to be certain.

Of course it wasn't just the suspense of it all. Each of Bill's wives have interesting, insightful wisdom to pass along. This week Nikki had a pearl of her own that really struck me. Sarah, Bill and Barb's oldest daughter, had been told by her boyfriend he wanted to see other people: other women who would sleep with him. Sarah turned to Nikki for advice asking how she dealt with the jealousy. Nikki told her that in her case she allowed her jealousy to give way to a higher purpose. But for Sarah, there was no higher purpose, so the jealousy was the appropriate reaction.

That struck me as very interesting, and on a personal note. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months. We are monogamous by mutual decision. I however have never been a believer in monogamy as the only road. I am proud to say I have never cheated on anyone, but I have been in open relationships. I personally believe in rules and honesty. I think they are important and as long as all options are always on the table there is no need to cheat.

My boyfriend knows if he feels like he wants to open things up and see other people there only needs to be a discussion about it first. We could establish guidelines; what is allowed, what isn't, etc... Find a place where we are both comfortable. At this point neither of us feel that urge, but just knowing that option is there is comforting. Not so much that I could go do it, though I am not saying I wouldn't. But more so in the sense that I know he isn't out there doing something I don't know about. Even though we are always safe, I feel like I should be informed about whom I am getting into bed with. Even if by informed that means I just know there are others.

There is a flip side to this coin. The theory is good, but by being so open about stuff it leaves room for your mind to wander. I am a naturally inquisitive person to begin with. So there are times, for instance, when my boyfriend's behavior seems odd; that little alarms go off in my head. The other night was a perfect example.

We had a great weekend together and really made the most of it because Sunday evening, our normal winding down time together, was out of the picture due to a family obligation of his. So around four that afternoon we parted ways so he could attend a family party. But he didn't call it a party, he called it a meeting. Flag number one since we had bought presents for a child's birthday.

Then around nine that evening he called to say goodnight and he was going to bed - he was tired. But he never goes to bed that early, even when he is exhausted. As I asked myself if he sounded like he had been drinking to justify the early hour of rest I realized that he drank a good bit the night before, which he usually doesn't do. I hadn't thought about it before but he had been insistent we go to the liquor store and buy some stuff. My boyfriend just isn't a drinker. Maybe one or two at a club, or one at home, but that is it.

Now with nothing off limits I didn't see a good reason why he would lie. He always told me where he was, what he was doing, etc. It was completely voluntary on his part. Even things I might not approve of, he shared. I tried to be good and watch TV, but before I knew it I was on my way to his house. The whole way I kept saying this is crazy, if he was "hooking up" all he had to do was say so; it would be okay. I don't know what I expected when I got there. I suppose if his car wasn't there I would be pissed off. But if his car was home what did that prove? Nothing.

I would love to say I succumbed to my moral consciience halfway there and turned around. But I didn't. I knew that I would just agonize over it if I did. And his car was there, cold, and his bedroom light out. I know, I know, that is borderline stalker behavior. And it proved nothing. But at least it eliminated half of the doubt I had.

As I drove home I wondered if our arrangement, planned and mapped out, was a good thing or not. Was I making things more complex for myself by trying to simplify things and "be realistic?" Was this all really just a symptom of my own need to control things and not just allow things to happen? After all, though not 100% effective, a condom can protect you from HIV, but not from a broken heart.
And did the knowledge of what he was doing or not doing protect me from a broken heart at all? Was this option of leaving all cards on the table, all options open for discussion, just a safety measure I had taken to protect myself and keep a tight grip on things that are supposed to be out of my control?

Again, I wish I could tell you I came up with something here that was insightful. But I didn't. All I could think about was Nikki's words about jealousy giving way to a higher purpose. If my higher purpose wasn't really truth and honesty, then maybe that is why my jealousy flared up. Or maybe I am just a control freak who needs to get a grip.

Either way, as sad as it is, I did feel a little better about his car being home. After all, I set it up this way; he has no reason to lie so I should have no reason to worry... right?